I’m alone tonight

Saturday, February 3rd, 2018 Comments

I’m home alone tonight. My husband flew to the National Sales Meeting on Tuesday morning, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have my two daughters all to myself. It’s Friday night, and I have been trying to convince myself to log back in to work for three hours now. Instead, I’m half a bottle of wine in.

I learned a lot about myself during this time. #1, I gotta send a high five to the single-mamas who live this life 99% of the time. I know I would be fucking stir crazy and downward spiral into a self-reflective state that is unproductive.

But again, I am fortunate. I have had the easiest week a woman alone with two young ones can have. I was able to tell my job to fuck off at 4:30 every day (today it was 4:45 because I took a shower). Every day this week, I picked up my girls and read them 93 books before dinner. We ate  together and talked about what we did at school today (spoiler: the answers were “goo goo” and “i pay dess up” for the 16th day in a row). Then I bathed them, changed them into jammies, and put them both to sleep. Neither kid objected to bedtime. Yesterday, I even talked with my teenage stepson for two hours one on one about nothing and everything.

How lucky am I? I made enough money today to afford for someone else to teach my kids life skills, then I showed up to have fun for 3 hours, and then I retreated to me time – four days in a row.

The interesting part of this situation is my shift in focus. Two years ago, I would have worked well into the night to meet my clients’ expectations. Now I spend my day convincing myself “it can wait.” And it can. No one at work has complained about my delivery. I’ve received just as many compliments as before.

Tonight, I found myself saying out loud to the girls “you know I love you, right?” at least a dozen times. Both my kids responded with a blank stare, especially as it got more frequent. Leah said to me, “… yeah?”.

It’s funny because I expected to come out of this week with war stories. I expected to resent my husband for leaving me in this position. I expected to see my stepson again 8 days from now. I expected the stress from work to overtake me. Instead, I am lost in nostalgia for all the good times we’ve had as a family, and I’m excited to make more memories. Instead, I’m searching for reasons to justify my desire to steal 3 hours to myself tomorrow to do freelance work and to go get a massage.

Instead, I’m wishing I had a mama to complain to because only a mother will put up with complaining for no reason.

I’m alone tonight. And I’m enjoying it. I’ll get back to work on Monday. It can wait.

[[PS if this makes no sense whatsoever – blame the copious amounts of wine I drank before I wrote this]]

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